Secrets I Never Told
by ReKoJ
Summary: This is a response to the Reid has panic attacks set forth by TheSundayBlues.
1. Chapter 1

Spencer wasn't completely sure how he had allowed something like to happen or even when it started. All that he did know was that he needed out and he had no idea how he was going to do that. As he readjusted the way that he was sitting in his seat on the jet, for what seemed the hundredth time he knew that he had to focus. There were bigger problems that needed to be dealt with then his own. He sighed and tried not to think of what was waiting for him when he got home.

Morgan sat at the very back of the jet. He liked sitting where he was, it made it easy for him to see everyone that was on his team. He knew that the general rule was that there was no profiling your members but sometimes, especially at times like this he couldn't help it and he knew that he wasn't the only one. He also realized that he wasn't the only one staring at their youngest member. He made a mental note to talk with Hotch about it after the case.

The jet landed a few hours later in Mesa, Arizona. As much as Reid hated it, he could feel the squeamish feeling starting to build in the pit of his stomach. He knew that this meant that there was a panic attack just around the corner. He could feel his pulse starting to speed up and his palms start to get sweaty, that was only made worse when his mind decided to compare it with the fact that that was exactly what used to happen when he was addicted to Diluadid and needed a hit. He also knew that he needed to start taking Compazine again. It was an anxiety medication that he had been prescribed when he was in high school. He had stopped taking it because he felt that he no longer needed it. Now he knew that that had been a mistake. He made a note to get the prescription filled as soon as they were done for the day.

J.J, Prentiss and Rossi went to the police station to set up. Morgan, Hotch and Reid were escorted to the crime scene. They needed to study it and then they were going to meet at the police station to discuss what they had found and start the beginnings of a profile. It wasn't the best plan in the world but it was all that they had.

Reid was carefully walking around the crime scene. Morgan was doing pretty much the same but for a completely different reason. Morgan was trying to think like the killer, get inside that person's head. Reid was doing that because he knew that if he didn't do something then he was going to sit down. He knew that if he sat down he was going to start rocking and that would lead to all sorts of questions that he didn't want to answer. So he walked, tapping his index finger behind his ear.

Hotch was watching the two members of his team. He wasn't being fooled. He knew that one was there starting to do the job that he got paid for and another was there to try and forget. He was the leader of the team; it was his job to make sure that every member was functioning at one hundred percent. When one member was being bothered it was his job to make sure that they received the attention and help that they needed. He had ignored Reid when he had had a problem before. He would never make that mistake again; they had almost lost their genius that day.

Reid figured that his symptoms were worse then he had originally thought. He could have sworn that both Morgan and Hotch were staring at him and that made him nervous. In his mind, there were a hundred and one different reasons as to why they were staring at him. They could think that he was going crazy (he **had** mentioned more then once that schizophrenia was a genetic disorder), they could think that he was using drugs again or worse, they could actually know what was going on. He had thought that he was hiding his secret well, but when you worked with profiler's day in and day out, they could easily tell when something was wrong.

Hotch walked around the other side of the crime scene so that he was standing next to Morgan. "After we're done for the day I need to talk to you." As he talked he followed Morgan's gaze and realized that he was still staring at the young doctor. Without ever saying a word, or moving any part of his body Morgan had told Hotch that he agreed and that he had noticed that something was very much wrong with their friend.

Reid had slipped out of their sight. He knew that he would be partially blocked by the building as he pulled out his cell phone. Within the three hours since they had left Quantico he had received forty messages on his phone. He swallowed the lump in his throat, shoved the phone into his pocket, wiped his sweaty palms on his pants and went back to work.

He had no idea what he was going to do. He knew that he could use their current case as a distraction but after the case was done he was going to have to go home. He didn't want to think about what would happen to him when he got there. He was also hoping that he had just imagined that Derek and Aaron had been staring at him. The more logical part of his brain old him that they were probably too wrapped up in their own stuff to be bothered with him and his problems. He just hoped that he was right.


	2. Chapter 2

Reid thought that he was extremely lucky for a few reasons. The first was that everyone had their own hotel room. This meant that he didn't have to explain or try to rationalize to anyone why he was leaving his room as soon as they checked in. He was also lucky that there was a twenty-four hour drug store with an open pharmacy less then ten minutes away from their hotel. He could walk there without seeming suspicious. No one would even know that he had left; it wasn't like he had to take his car.

He was almost at the pharmacy when his phone rang. He had forgotten that he had taken it off vibrate and the ringing made him jump. His heart was pounding in his chest, his palms were sweaty again and he was having a hard time catching his breath. With shaking fingers he took the phone out of his pocket and looked at the screen. He recognized the number immediately and knew that if he didn't answer it, matters were only going to made worse.

He took a deep breath, cleared his throat and willed his voice not to shake. "Hello?"

"You never answer any of my calls. What gives? I thought that we talked about this. I thought you understood. Do you need to be taught your lessons all over again?"

Reid was already shaking his head, even though this was over the phone. "No. But I told you I was at work and that we had a case. I wouldn't have been able to answer my phone anyway. Look, Hotch is calling me. I'll talk to you later." He hung up before anything else could be said. He knew that that was the wrong thing to do and that he would pay for that later but he couldn't help it, he had to end the conversation. He walked into the brightly lit store.

Derek Morgan watched as Spencer ended his phone call and walked into the drug store. He knew that he and Hotch were supposed to talk but when he saw Spencer leave the hotel almost as quickly as they had entered it, he knew that something was wrong.

Ever since Derek had known him Spencer had always been on the shy side but over the last year he had gotten worse. A lot worse. He was exhibiting most of the signs of being in an abusive relationship. But he never even mentioned that he was dating anyone, which was why Derek thought that he was wrong. So he asked Garcia what she thought. After all, even Morgan knew that when he was stressed it was Garcia that he turned to, especially since Gideon was gone. He was disappointed that she wouldn't say much, just that Reid was in a bad situation and that he was trying to figure things out.

Now Morgan was sure that this was a little more serious then just a rough patch. From where he was hiding he had a good view of the drug store, it seemed that Spencer was getting a prescription filled. Derek knew that this was bad. Ever since the Hankel case, Reid had been very careful not to take any narcotics at all, he was terrified of becoming dependant on them. And now he was getting something from the drug store. Morgan knew that Hotch needed to be told about this right away. If Spencer was using again, they all needed to be ready.

Morgan headed back to the hotel. He was thankful that Spencer didn't see him. Spencer was his best friend and he knew that he had to protect him. He had failed at that once, he would not do that again. This time, they would get the entire team involved if they had to. There were certain things that you had to do when you were part of a team, part of a family. He just hoped that in the end Spencer would understand that this was not an attack against him and that they just wanted him to be safe.

When he got back to the hotel, he was glad that he beat Spencer there. He softly knocked on Hotch's door. He knew that Aaron would be awake; after all, they were supposed to talk. Aaron saw how tense Morgan was and knew right away that something was wrong. "What is it Morgan?"

Morgan shook his head, "I think that you were right. Something is very wrong with Reid. The reason why I'm late is because I saw him leaving and I followed him to the drug store. He had something filled and he seemed very agitated about something. I think that he may be using again. We need to do something."

Aaron shook his head. If Dr. Reid was using again he would hold himself personally responsible. He knew that if he had made himself more emotionally available or at the very least, friendlier, then maybe Reid would have felt more comfortable coming to him when he had a problem and not to the drugs that he was probably taking right at this moment. "You're right; we need to do something and quickly. We should try to talk to him but if that doesn't work then we might have to get the whole team involved. Maybe once he sees that everyone is here to support him, he'll open up. Tomorrow, we'll set it so that we are with Reid and we'll try to talk to him. For right now, you should try to get some sleep."

Derek nodded. Morgan knew that Hotch was right but at the same time he was so worried about Reid. It wasn't just that he thought that he was using again. What if he wasn't? What if it was something much more serious? He went back to his own room and tried to sleep. He tried not to think of all the dangerous things that Reid could be up to.

As Reid walked out of the store, he felt better then he had in along time. He never saw Morgan follow him to the store or quietly leave. He had no idea that Hotch and Morgan were really close to guessing and guessing wrong. He honestly thought that he could deal with everything on his own and that in the end everything would work out.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Reid started is day at 5 am. He took a shower, changed his clothes, put his contacts in and went down to the lobby of the hotel. There he had two cups of coffee and two pills before anyone from the team was even awake. By the time that Hotch, Morgan, J.J, Prentiss and Rossi made their appearance the small table that Reid had seated himself at was littered with paper as he scribbled away.

Hotch and Morgan exchanged glances. He seemed so calm and ready to take on whatever that day had to throw at him. That was almost in complete contrast to how he had been last night. They were pretty sure that they weren't the only ones to notice the change in Spencer. He seemed more like himself then he had for the better part of a year. And this was only proven more and more true through out the day.

The case that they were dealing with, as far as they had been able to tell so far, had to deal with missing young men. They would go missing for a month or so and then there bodies would show up exactly three blocks from their known addresses. Each young man would have a number carved into their forehead and each victim was physically and sexually assaulted. Hotch realized that Reid must have been feeling more like himself, when while they were meeting with the local police department Hotch had to stop him several times from rambling on about the usage of numbers in rituals and the fact that the numbers could be of no significance to anyone other than the Unsub.

Reid had been so wrapped up in the case and the fact that the Unsub always seemed to be one step ahead of them that it never even dawned on Spencer that his phone never rang. This idea seemed to come to him when he had been at the Police Station for over an hour staring at a geographical map for what seemed like hours. He'd been in the same spot for quite some time and he swore that he could smell his brain cells slowly frying. He rubbed in between his eyes with his index finger. He knew that he had said that he had wanted a distraction but this was difficult. More then ever he wanted to talk with Gideon; he would know what the missing piece was. He would exactly what to say. As always he would say just the right thing at the right time and everything would be okay again. Reid was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't even realize that he was being watched.

Morgan stood a few feet away and watched Reid work. Right from the moment that they had their first case together he was constantly amazed at how he could look at something and it would seem so random. Reid would take one look at the same jumble of whatever and would magically see something that no one else had. He was guessing that this was the reason as to why he felt personally responsible whenever something bad happened to the doctor. Despite the fact that he was super smart and that he knew the risks of the job when he joined the FBI, Morgan still felt the urge to protect him as best that he could whenever he could.

Hotch walked into the room, holding a tray of coffee. He knew that if they were going to crack this, then Reid was going to need the caffeine. "How is he?"

Morgan turned so that he was looking at his boss. "I think that he's stuck. I've been watching him for the better part of almost two hours and the kid hasn't moved. I think that it's entirely possible that he'd fallen asleep standing up until he backed up and tried looking at the map another way."

"Has he seemed anxious or anything like that?"

Morgan shook his head. "Nope, just staring at the map. I think that you better give him the coffee now. It would probably make him happy."

Hotch nodded and walked up behind Spencer. "How's it going?"

Spencer opened his eyes, he had been vaguely aware that he had closed them. "I wish that I could tell you that this was easy and that I have finally cracked it. I think that I'm the one that cracked instead."

Hotch handed him the coffee and then put a firm hand on his shoulder. He hadn't expected Reid to jump. Spencer realizing that his reaction had been a bit overkill and that if he didn't do something that Hotch would start asking him questions, questions that he really didn't want to answer right then.

"You know how jumpy I get when I'm stressed and exhausted.." He offered a smile that he felt was appropriate but that he didn't feel.

Hotch smiled back. "Of course."

Morgan shook his head. If Pretty boy thought that he was fooling anyone he had another thing coming. He made himself promise that as soon as the case was over he was going to get to the bottom of Reid's problem. He didn't care how long it took.


	4. Chapter 4

Reid was at the police station that was where the BAU was set up as they shifted through case files and trying to get a profile together. Morgan was sitting at a small table pretending to be going over the files of the known victims. What he was really doing he was watching Reid. There was obviously something that was keeping him pre-occupied. He knew that in their line of work that could be dangerous but he also knew that Spencer was doing the best that he could and that was all that they could ask of the kid.

Hotch stood in the doorway. He was watching Reid bent over the papers that were scattered all over the desk and Hotch could literally see the wheels of Reid's mind turning. The young doctor was obviously on to something. He hoped that it would be the break in the case that they needed, he knew that the sooner they caught the Unsub the safer everyone would be and that included Spencer Reid.

Spencer looked up and noticed that Hotch and Morgan were staring at him. "I know that you expect me to come up with the answer," Reid took his glasses off and closed his eyes, "I know that the answer is here I just can't seem to find it." He put his glasses back on and stared once again, at the numbers that he'd written down, they were in sequence according to the victim. He knew that there was a connection, whenever an Unsub left a clue like this; they always did so for a reason. "412, 1224, 513 and 625. I have no idea what they mean. They could stand for times or dates."

Morgan noticed that Reid was shaking. It was slight and he thought that it could be from too much caffeine. The entire team was exhausting themselves over this latest case, the killer hadn't struck again since the BAU had been flown out for the case and they knew that it would only be a matter time before he killed again and of course the team was hoping to have at least found out his identity before that happened. Morgan figured the shake that He'd noticed in Reid had been a combination of too much caffeine and not enough sleep. Deep down though, he knew that it was something more serious then that.

Spencer groaned in frustration. There was no way that he should have been having this much trouble. It seemed like he couldn't concentrate, the numbers seemed to jump around the paper, and everyone seemed to be staring at him. He knew that if he didn't get out of there soon, he was either gong to completely lose it or they were going to start asking him questions that he couldn't….didn't want to answer. Without really saying anything Reid got up from the table and all but ran outside.

He sat on the steps of the Police Station, with his head between his knees as he desperately tried to catch his breath. He tried the trick that one of the guidance counselors had taught him when he was in high school. He started counting backwards from twenty and taking deep breathes. He was trying not to think of anything. There was a shadow looming over him, he couldn't breathe and that shadow was only making it worse. He cradled his head in his hands and willed whoever it was to go away. He couldn't deal with this and them at the same time.

Morgan had followed the kid outside; he had left so abruptly he thought for sure that something was very, very wrong. He knew that Spencer was getting stressed out by this case, they all were. There were several pieces that just didn't fit but at the same time he knew that they would figure it out. They always did. He just wished that Reid wouldn't take things so personally and that he would realize that if he was having a personal problem that they were all there to support him. He was surprised when he found Spencer outside, head in his hands and rocking.

"Reid?"

Spencer looked up, tears falling from his eyes and he tried to desperately get a grip on himself. This was not the best way for people to find you. He hadn't felt this vulnerable since the Hankel case. He hated feeling like this, it reminded him of all the times that bad things had happened to him and how he'd been powerless to stop it. He wiped the tears away, in a very childish gesture, with the back of his hand. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay? Everyone is worried about you. We know that this isn't just the case that has got you frustrated. We don't know what the other thing is but I could guess. If there's a problem, if you have a problem you know that you can talk to me about it…not just me, any member of the team. We all care about you and hate the idea of anything making you unhappy."

Reid nodded his understanding. Just as Derek was about to turn to go back inside he realized that Spencer was sobbing into his hands again. That was not the reaction that he had been expecting. He figured at the very least, Reid would have said that everything was fine and that he was regretful to have made everyone worry but there was nothing to worry about. He sat beside the young doctor and rubbed circles on his back.

As everyone was working, Hotch was watching the exchange from a window. There was definitely something going on with Spencer. At first he thought that he might open up to someone and together they might be able to get through whatever was bothering him. He was beginning to realize that maybe the problem was bigger than any of them. He just hoped that whatever it was, they would figure it out and fix it before it completely destroyed Dr. Reid. 


	5. Chapter 5

Hotch watched as Morgan and Reid both stood up, after what had seemed like an eternity, they both walked back into the station. Morgan had his arm around the young doctor but even Hotch could tell that it was because Reid was still shaking and Morgan was probably making sure that he didn't trip or topple over. As soon as they were settled Hotch left to go get coffee. He knew that if his team was going to make it through the night, they were going to need caffeine and probably large amounts of it.

When he got back to the room it was deadly silent. Everyone was staring at Reid as he paced back and forth, wringing his hands and repeating the same thing over and over again. "412, 1224, 513 and 625. April 12th, December 24th, May 13th and June 25th. Or April 24th at 12:24 and May 13 at 6:25. I know what that means and it scares me. On April 24th we met and May 13th was the day that we broke up." He turned so that he was facing Hotch. "I know who the killer is…"

Morgan noticed as he was talking his breathing had sped up again and he was really close to hyperventilating. If Hotch noticed he had dismissed it as someone else's problem. Morgan grabbed Reid by the shoulders; he knew that in order to get Reid to calm down, the first thing that he was going to have to do was get the young genius to stop moving. Once they did that, then maybe he could make some sense of what Reid was saying.

"Reid, slow down man. Take a deep breath and relax." Once Reid had inhaled and exhaled a couple of times he seemed a bit more at ease. "Okay, now tell me what you're saying."

Reid was still wringing his hands but at least his breathing wasn't as fast as it had been. "Okay." He pushed the hair that had fallen into his face away. Usually he was more then content to have it hang there like a curtain, shielding his emotions from the cruel comments of the people that he was around. It wasn't that he didn't trust the team, they where his family but it was just a defense mechanism that he had developed when he was a child and it was one that he didn't see the point of getting rid of so quickly.

"I looked at the numbers and if I've done this right all of the numbers are significant to the Unsub, also all of the numbers can be arranged to represent a month and a day and a specific time. When I cross reference with that of the significant dates to that of my stalker, they all add up."

The rest of the team stared at him, completely shocked. Hotch was the first to speak. "You have a stalker?"

Reid took a deep breath. "Perhaps stalker isn't the right word. The stalker is someone that I used to be in a romantic relationship with…years ago. "I broke it off May 13 which numerically is 513. They didn't get the hint and began stalking me. They had broken into my house a couple of times, they beat me and they don't stop calling my phone. I've been meaning to get a restraining order but usually if I tell them to quit then they stop for awhile. It was just recently that the phone calls and physical attacks had gotten worse, more frequent and more violent."

The team continued to look at him like he had completely lost it. Sure, everyone had noticed the marks, and the constant stress that he was under due to the cases at work and then not knowing what was going to happen at home could explain the panic attacks but none of them had figured that it was an ex-lover turned stalker. And it didn't pass by any of them that Dr. Reid was playing the pronoun game, this lead them all to believe that the last person that Spencer had dated was another man.

Morgan nodded, like he was agreeing with someone that had spoken when in fact no one had. He knew that now most of what he considered to be Reid awkwardness when it came to people was just a reaction to what was going on at home, probably combined with the fact that he felt isolated but was too insecure about his sexuality and the fact that they all treated him like he was the younger brother to tell them what was going on.

Morgan was glad that Hotch was the next person to actually speak. "Okay, well we'll proceed with this the way that we would any other case." He turned so that he was facing Spencer. "Reid I want you to make a list of everything that the victims have in common. Then you and Prentiss can start a Geographical profile of where the victims were found, against their last known locations. I don't want to jump the gun, we'll keep the fact that Reid's stalker and this man could be the same person but I want to be one hundred percent sure."

Reid nodded. He couldn't help but think that this whole thing was a big mistake. He knew, mostly from experience, that once you let them know a little then they would keep prodding and asking questions, chipping away at your carefully pieced together armor, until there was nothing left to protect you. He knew that he should have just kept his mouth shut and that eventually, the people that he had learned to trust, the people who he had thought of as his family would hurt him. But what could he do? He stared at the blank page in front of him and did his best not to cry.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

He straightened up in his chair and began to think. By the end of the hour he had done everything that he had told Hotch that he would do. Also, against his better judgment he had decided to also list what each victim had in common with himself as well as everything that he knew about Gary Lifton, his ex-lover and current stalker. He knew that although it was a shot in the dark, if in fact it was Gary then they would want this information later. He knew that if h just talked to Gary, then maybe he'd be able to figure out if he was behind the killings or if it was someone else. He didn't even consider the fact that he could lie to him. Gary had never lied before so he didn't think that he would lie now. There were down sides to Reid's plan. The first being that he would have to tell Gary where he was (but since the man was stalking him he was pretty sure that he knew that already) and the second was that he would not be telling anyone from his team what he was planning on doing or where he was going. He knew that this was risky but he had to make sure that if it was Gary that they didn't waste any more time then they already had.

Morgan and Hotch both watched as Reid stopped writing. They knew that he was thinking and they knew that whatever it was, it wasn't good. Reid was one hell of a profiler and when it came to lying and deceiving he was pretty decent. After all, one couldn't cheat at card games if they were bad at lying. So, of course they were both suspicious when their resident genius got up from the table, grabbed his messenger bag and walked calmly into the bathroom.

Once there Reid closed the door. He knew that he should tell someone what he was doing but he didn't have the chance to, his phone rang almost immediately. "Hello."

"Are you ready to talk now, Spencer?"

Reid tried to ignore the chill that was running up his spine. He was mentally counting to twenty in his head. It was the only thing that he could do to try and remain calm. He had to keep his voice steady. He knew that if his plan was going to work he had to keep Gary clueless. He knew what Gary was capable of and there was no way that he wanted to go back to that place. "Yes, I think that we should meet somewhere so that we can talk."

"I'll meet you in your hotel room."

Reid's first reaction was to say no, but then he realized that this would be perfect. "Sure, I'll meet you there tonight."

"Do not tell any of your team members where you're going. I know that they consider me a suspect. I don't want any trouble, I just want you."

None of this surprised Spencer. He knew that in one way or another that Gary was watching him and that he probably had been since the case first started. He knew that Gary being the way that he was, he had to feel as if he was the one in control. This was one way that Gary felt that he could control him. Spencer knew, that to Gary this was all a game and one that he thought that he could win.

"I know that. I'll see you tonight." He hung up the phone before any else could be said and walked out of the bathroom.

By the time he came out of the bathroom, the team was busy trying to figure out who the next victim was going to be. This was proving to be more difficult then they thought. Reid knew that it would be, at this point he was pretty sure that Gary was the guy that they were looking for and that he wasn't gong to make anything easy for them. He leaned over the desk that he had been working at, wrote something on a piece of paper while looking at the map. He had no doubt that Gary was watching him and he didn't want to do anything that would cause that man to be angry with him. He laid the piece of paper on the desk and tried to get Morgan or Hotch to look at him. Luckily Morgan saw him writing and caught by the way that he was looking that he wanted him to see what was on that paper.

As soon as Reid left the police station, Morgan walked over to the desk.

~Stay calm, don't attract anymore attention to this then you have to. I have a meeting with my stalker. I don't think that anything will happen to me but in the event that something does check my hotel room—I'm meeting him there. You'll know if things went bad because I won't be at the station on time tomorrow. Please don't follow me and don't call my phone. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone where I was going but frankly, I'm terrified.

Spencer~

Morgan didn't know what to do. His first instinct was to tell Hotch what was going on. But if Gary wasn't the guy that they were looking for, that would be a waste of time. He had to trust that Spencer knew what he was doing and that he would take every precaution necessary. All he could do right then was watch the clock and hope that Spencer returned.


	7. Chapter 7

Spencer walked into the lobby of the hotel, he had no way of knowing if Gary was already in his hotel room or not. If he knew Gary as well as he thought he did, he would already be in his room; probably disconnecting the phone. He knew that this was probably one of the stupidest decisions that he could have made, but he was doing what he thought was right.

In a few minutes he was standing outside his own hotel room door. He couldn't breathe, his hands were cold and he was pretty sure that if he didn't get this over with quickly he was going to faint. That would be brilliant. Reid shook his head, nope; this was not going to go well. He attempted to take a deep breath and put his hand on the door knob.

XXXXX

Morgan was irritable and thought this was complete and utter bullshit. Why didn't Reid tell him before that something was wrong? Why hadn't he trusted him enough to tell him the truth and then to decide that he was going to go 'visiting with his ex-boyfriend/stalker alone….well that was just ludicrous. He had enough, taking the note off the table he walked over to Hotch. He knew that it had only been a few minutes since Spencer had left he still had time to try and meet Reid before he walked into a potentially dangerous situation.

"Hotch, I'm going to go after him." He handed Aaron the piece of paper that Reid had scribbled his note on.

"Take one of the police officers with you. The last thing I need is for this particular police force saying how we stepped on their toes and didn't tell them enough about what we were doing."

Morgan nodded. "Officer Roberts, why don't you come with me? We may have a lead and I want to check it out."

Officer Roberts shrugged, "Sure."

As they headed out, Hotch shook his head. Reid should have known better. He should have known that it was never a good idea to go after an Unsub by yourself and that if you were planning to do that, and then if you were Reid, the last person that you would tell would be Morgan. Everyone knew that Morgan treated Reid like he was the younger brother and always wanted to make sure that the doctor stayed out of harms way. He pitied this Gary Lifton, if he was their suspect. He also figured that with Morgan hot on their heels it would be in that man's best interest not to hurt Reid in any way, shape or form. He knew that Reid could talk Morgan out of beating the man unconscious. He also knew that once this case was over, he and Reid were going to have to sit down and have a very long discussion about personal responsibilities and trusting the people that you work with.

XXXXXXX

Reid put his hand on the door handle, took a deep breath, turned the handle and opened the door. He half expected to see Gary sitting in the little living room type area. But there wasn't anyone there. Seeing as he hadn't needed to use his key to get into his room, and he knew that he had locked the door behind him, he knew that Gary had to be in there, somewhere. He closed the door behind him. "Gary?"

Suddenly, all the lights that he had turned on were shut off. He tried to keep his breathing steady as he realized that he was completely in the dark. He hated the fact that once upon a time, he had Gary had been close. They had been close enough that they had discussed spending the rest of their lives together and he had told Gary things; things that he hadn't dared tell anyone. This included telling him about his childish and irrational fear of the dark; now he regretted being so personal with him. Gary had been his first serious relationship, what was he talking about, that guy had been his first relationship period and he had jumped in with both feet.

The start of their relationship had been innocent enough. They had met at a coffee shop, and Gary like everyone else had been wowed by the fact that at that point Reid had just turned 19 and he already knew more than Gary. They made plans to meet a couple of days later and it wasn't long before they had started going steady. From the beginning Spencer did notice that Gary's behaviour was a bit off. He always wanted to know where Spencer was going, how long he would be there and when he was coming back.

In the back of his mind Spencer knew that that type of behaviour would only lead to more trouble but in his youthful arrogance, he decided that he should stick with Gary. After all, perhaps the older man was just trying to be protective. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that as far as personal relationships went Spencer was more than just a little clueless so he let the relationship continue.

Spencer snapped back into his present situation when he felt something brush against his arm. He went to jump back and that's when he felt a hand clamp around his mouth. He was shaking and he couldn't breathe. His heart was pounding in his chest and he was pretty sure that the room was spinning. He tried to fight with the dizziness that was making his head spin and he was beginning to get slightly nauseous. He tried to will those feelings away, knowing that right now was not the best time to puke and pass out. With the luck that he was having he would probably land in it. Without his permission his entire world became blank as he passed out.


	8. Chapter 8

Spencer was conscious but he had no idea where he was. He kept his eyes closed and his breathing steady as he tried to remember what had happened. He remembered going into his hotel room and being startled by the fact that the room was completely dark, and despite his hardest efforts he had felt the panic welling up inside. And then in an act of undisputable bravery he had passed out. At least he had passed out before he had a chance to go into a full panic attack that would have only made things worse.

He was aware of a few things. The first was that he was on a bed and judging by the way that the blankets felt under his fingers he was going to guess that he was still in his apartment. He tried not to get his hopes up too high; there were certainly things that could still happen to him, horrible things while he was still in the comfort of his own home. That would have been bad. He tried not to let his mind wonder off too much, that would be a great way to blow his cover. He knew that if he let his mind wonder then he would start thinking of all the horrible things that Gary was probably going to do to him.

The second thing that he knew he was only just made aware of. There was a noise coming from the other room which meant, quite possibly that he had been found. The third thing that he knew was that there was someone in the room with him. He hadn't known that at first and then the person sat on the bed and moved some of his hair out of his face. He tried very hard to keep himself in check but that was proving to be a very difficult task. He knew that he would have to open his eyes and when he did he was quite certain that his nightmare would start.

He tried to physically and mentally prepare himself for the brutality that he knew that Gary was more than capable of dishing out. He opened his eyes. The room was dark, and even with the person still sitting on the bed he couldn't quite tell who it was. He was certain that it wasn't Gary. The shape of the man beside him reminded him of Morgan.

"Hey there, pretty boy." Morgan said as he helped Spencer sit up. Now Spencer was completely confused. He knew that Morgan had read the note, but he didn't know how on earth Morgan got there so fast but he was glad that he did.

Morgan knew that as far as people went Spencer was emotionally distanced and didn't really like physical contact. Sure, if he was the one that initiated the contact then he was fine with it but if someone else went to hug or touch him, they had better have had a good reason for doing so. Knowing this, Morgan was completely caught off guard and surprised when Spencer hugged Morgan and allowed Morgan to hug him back. He had a suspicion that the relationship that Spencer had with Gary had been a bad one. He didn't even know Gary but he could tell you that the man was violent and he couldn't see the relationship ending on a civil note. Especially if the man felt that he had to stalk Reid.

After what seemed like way too long, Spencer let go of Morgan and tried to retain some of his dignity. "I'm sorry."

Morgan smiled and shook his head. "Don't worry about it. At least you didn't pass out again." He figured that the only reason that Reid had let go of him in the first place was because the lights had suddenly came back on.

Reid tucked his hair behind his ear as the lights flickered back on. "That was you that covered my mouth?"

With the lights back on Morgan could read the surprise that was on his friend's face. "Yeah, I figured this guy was pretty nasty if he was the cause of your panic attacks. I also figured that there was a reason why you told me to read the note, whether you understood what that reason was or not. Almost immediately after you left me and Officer Roberts followed you…good thing to. I only covered your mouth because I knew that it would only be a matter of time before you realized that someone was behind you and I didn't want you letting Gary know that he had been found out. I put you in here so that you would be out of harms way just incase things got ugly."

Reid nodded. "Anything else?"

"Do you ever get tired of being right?" Morgan smiled at the shocked look that Reid gave him.

"I know what that means, but what do you mean?"

Morgan's smile got wider. "Just before I left Hotch found your little comparison note. He realized that all of the victims looked similar to you and that the cities that they were murdered in, corresponded with our locations on different cases. When you said that he was stalking you, you weren't kidding. Now, Hotch **is** mad that you decided to meet with this guy on your own and he does want to talk to you as soon as you're back at work. In the end though, I'm just glad that we caught that guy before he could leave."

"He was planning on leaving?"

Morgan nodded. "And he was going to take you with him. He had everything very carefully planned out. He had the whole thing planned in stages so that it would take them awhile to find you. I guess he was going for the 'if I can't have him, nobody can.' It wouldn't have mattered, even if he had been able to get away with kidnapping you we wouldn't have stopped looking until you had been found. Luckily it hadn't come to that."

Reid sighed and brushed his hair away from his face. He could feel his heart starting to speed up and he was trying his best to not let Morgan know that he was having a hard time breathing. Morgan wasn't stupid and he knew right away that something was wrong. He also knew that Spencer was trying his hardest not to let it show. He had no idea why the young doctor always tried to be brave; especially when he didn't have to be.

He reached beside him and pulled out a pill bottle. He unscrewed the cap and put two small white pills into the palm of his hand.

"What's that?"

Reid seemed to study the pills before he answered Morgan's question. In Reid's opinion the pills made him weak. He should have been able to deal with things on his own and for some reason he just couldn't. He knew that he could trust Morgan and that he should have been able to tell him anything that was bothering him. He knew that Morgan would understand and that he would see why Red needed the medication, and that he probably should have been medicated since the Tobias Hankel case.

"It's an anxiety medication called Compazine. I was originally prescribed it during high school. I was a mess back then, only because there were a lot of kids that would pick on me because I was younger then they were but smarter than they were. They strengthened the dosage after my incident with the football team. I decided to take myself off of it when I started college because I knew that the people there would be different. I recently started having panic attacks again. When I spoke to my psychiatrist, she suggested that I go back on it."

Morgan could tell that something was wrong. It was the way that Reid refused to look at him when he spoke. It was the fact that as soon as he was done speaking, he popped the pills into his mouth and swallowed them. There was a slight shake to his actions and this worried Morgan more than anything. He knew that the pills that Reid was taking were necessary to him functioning as normal as he could. It wasn't like when he had been addicted to Delaudid but he doubted that Spencer saw it that way.

"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"

Spencer took a deep breath and tried to think of what he should say. He knew that Morgan already knew the bulk of what had been wrong and he hadn't even needed Spencer to tell him. He had been smart enough to piece together the puzzle that Reid was refusing to acknowledge and yet he was still here, concerned that perhaps Reid's problem was bigger than an ex-boyfriend. What he failed to realize and what shamed Reid most of all was that his 'newest' problem was so stupid that he doubted that he could even say it out loud. All he did was shake his head; there was no way that he could tell him.

"It's nothing."

Morgan gave Reid the look that he always gave him when he knew that he was full of shit, it was the look that usually got Reid to tell him exactly what was bothering him no matter how stupid he thought that it was. It had been obvious to Derek right from the minute that he had first met Spencer that he wasn't the best judge when it came to what was serious and what could be taken lightly. Morgan had noticed almost immediately that whenever Spencer had a problem he thought it made him weak to admit that he couldn't handle it by himself.

Morgan shook his head as he waited for Spencer to answer him. He could see the self-doubt and self-hatred in those brown eyes. It made Morgan sick when he thought of all the times that Reid had doubted his ability to do his job. That usually came when someone learned of how young he was and they figured that he wasn't smart enough to do the job; that was until they realized that he had been hand picked for the BAU. That usually changed their tune. Morgan was snapped back into reality when he heard Spencer clear his throat.

"I thought I wasn't weak, that's what I told Hankel and my mother. I wasn't telling the truth. The fact of the matter is, if I am completely honest with myself then I will be the first one to admit that I am weak, these prove it." He shook the bottle of pills and then placed them back in the drawer.

"Reid, there is nothing wrong with admitting when you need help or getting help. That doesn't make you weak. Taking that medication isn't the same as taking Delaudid."

Reid shook his head. "How can I make you understand? I'll use Gary as an example. The first time that he hit me he swore that he would never do that again. I have an IQ 187 so I am by no means stupid; I knew that he was lying even if he thought that he was telling the truth. But that didn't matter. He could have hit me a thousand times and I probably would have stayed with him. The only reason we broke up was I started training for the FBI and I knew that things would not go well for me if they thought that I was gay. If I hadn't gotten it, I probably would still be with him now. I thought that I deserved the abuse for what I had done to my mother."

Morgan shook his head, more out of frustration and pity then anything else. He knew that Spencer was a little messed up when it came to family stuff and was definitely a wet end when it came to relationships but he had no idea that it was this bad. Derek knew that Spencer had had his mother committed when he was eighteen; that was common knowledge among the team but something that was never spoken out loud. He had no idea that Spencer blamed himself. He couldn't imagine what that must have been like for his friend.

"Reid, violence is never the answer, you know that. If it wasn't you that he had became infatuated with it would have just been someone else. You didn't deserve what he had done to you, what he had been planning on doing. He is a very sick man. And his attitude towards you was not a reflection on what you had done to your mother. You did what you thought was best, what you thought that you had to do. There is no use beating yourself up over it now."

Reid nodded. He knew that that line of thinking made a lot more sense then he did. But he couldn't help but think that it was his fault. For as long as he could remember just about everything bad that had happened to him had been his fault. When he had gotten beaten up at school the bullies had said that it was his fault because he was different, and some of the teachers (the ones that didn't particularly like him because he was smarter then they were) said that he was just looking for trouble. His father had left because he hadn't been strong enough to make him stay. He had gotten shot because he wasn't fast enough. He had gotten kidnapped because he had been smart enough to realize that their Unsub was dangerous and therefore he should not have split up from J.J. Everything was always his fault and he was pretty sure that it always would be.

Morgan stared at his friend. He knew that Reid was more than likely over analyzing the situation. Derek wished that there was something that he could say or do that would make Reid realize that none of this was his fault and that he wasn't responsible for every bad thing that happened, he knew that there wasn't. He knew that that was something that Reid was just going to have to figure out on his own.

"Look, I should go. But if you need to talk about anything. You know that I'm here right?" Morgan said while stepping away from Reid. He didn't really want to go but he knew that if he stayed they were just going to be going in circles and that wasn't good for either one of them.

Reid nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak. He knew that if he said anything that he could end up just blabbering, he knew that he did that sometimes. If he did that, then there was a strong possibility that he would end up admitting to things that Derek didn't really need to know. He watched Derek leave, not wanting to think of all the trouble that he was going to be in, when he got back with the team in the morning.


	9. Chapter 9

Reid had been the first one on the jet the next day. They had agreed that they would leave bright and early the next morning. No one had mentioned to Reid that Hotch wanted to talk with him and no one had mentioned anything about Gary or the fact that Morgan had sat up with him just to make sure that everything was okay.

Reid wasn't stupid and he also wasn't surprised when Hotch was the next person to board. He was less surprised when Hotch sat next to him. He would have been more worried if he hadn't. If he hadn't sat next to him, then that would have meant that he was really angry and that they would probably have a long discussion in his office.

"I'll make this brief. If you ever do anything like that again I will be forced to reprimand you and make a report. Do you realize how stupid of you that was? Knowing that you're ex-boyfriend was the Unsub is one thing but then deciding to meet with him alone and without back up? What if he had been able to get away with you? I don't care what issues you're facing, if I've said it once then I've said it a hundred times; you are a part of a family now. If you have a problem there is no use trying to deal with it on your own. Trust me. Trust us. Do you understand me? We already almost lost you; I refuse to let that happen again."

Reid was shocked and had no idea what he was supposed to say. He knew that he had to say something. There was no way that Hotch was going to let this one go. He knew that he was going to have to truthful with Hotch, the way that he had been with Morgan. Reid licked his bottom lip and stared out the window while he gathered his thoughts.

"Okay. I know that what I did was stupid. I know that when Gary first starting becoming a problem after we broke up that I should have done something, or at the very least told someone what he was doing. And I know that meeting up with him alone, was one of the dumbest things that I could have done. I'm sorry and it will never happen again. It's just I thought that he was no big deal and that if he was the killer that I could talk to him. I thought that everyone thought that I was weak and I needed to prove that I wasn't. I know how stupid that sounds and I don't expect you to understand."

Aaron looked at the young doctor for a moment. What Spencer didn't seem to understand was that he did get it. He knew what it was like to doubt every decision that you made. He put his hand on Spencer's shoulder. "I'm not angry, just a little disappointed. I trust you to make the right decision but at the same time I don't want to see you hurt. Just, from now on, if you have a problem, whatever it is, just come and talk to me."

Spencer nodded. He had no intention of ever talking to Hotch about the skeletons in his closet but it was nice to know that someone cared. He watched as Hotch leaned back and closed his eyes. Hotch wasn't stupid, he had a feeling that his plea fell on deaf ears but he knew that he had to let Spencer know that no matter how thick things got, he still had the whole team on his side. He knew that he couldn't make Spencer make the decision; in the end it was all in the hands of the genius. Spencer leaned back in his seat and for the first time in a long time felt at ease with the way things were going.

The End.


End file.
